Vaginismus is a CONTRACTING of the vagina when you try to penetrate.

This normally obstructs penetration and causes pain.

It is different from other types of vaginal pains in that it doesn’t just hurt – you normally can’t insert the penis as well.

Most often this happens because you feel anxious about penetration.

You may have little sexual experience.

You may be worried about pain.

You may have had negative or traumatic past experiences.

You may have had paniful sex before and now you are worried it will hurt again.

You may feel generally tense and anxious in sex.

Any of this anxiety can cause a physical reaction of clenching in the vagina.

However, soon enough this worry takes on a life of its own.

You just know that your vagina will contract and hurt, and this on its own creates enough anxiety to make it contract.

So it doesn’t matter how it started.

Maybe it was even a freak occurrence at the start without any explanation at all.

But now you contract and hurt because you are worried that you will contract and hurt.

DEALING WITH VAGINISMUS

Unfortunately the conventional ways of dealing with vaginismus are not very effective.

It may be treated like a physical / structural tightness and you will be given dilators to ‘dilate’ your vagina. 

But it’s not a physical condition most of the time.

You are dilated enough.

It just closes at the moment of anxiety.

It doesn’t need dilating – you need to deal with anxiety.

The advice to ‘relax’ more in sex doesn’t help either.

How does one just 'relax', and what exactly does it involve?

Having a bath, getting massage and more foreplay doesn’t tend to resolve anything - no matter how relaxed you get before the penetration at the very moment of it you still worry and it all comes back.

To get rid of the vaginismus you need to break the vicious cycle of worrying about penetration > hence not being able to penetrate > hence worrying about it more.

You need to accept that you have these contractions for the moment and work with them in sex to make sex possible despite them.

If you have workarounds and you are able to have sex despite an attack of vaginismus, this gives you confidence that it won’t stop you.

This releases the performance anxiety and you can start getting rid of the contraction.

Dealing with vaginismus involves learning special sexual techniques that you will use in sex directly to deal with the contraction and discomfort:

YOU NEED THE RIGHT FOREPLAY TECHNIQUE

Your arousal can’t be the usual rushed passion - that would often create tension.

You need a special kind of arousal that awakens you but also relaxes.

You also need techniques to focus on the feeling and get out of your head, because vaginismus makes you worried during the foreplay - and then you can’t get aroused enough to be comfortable in penetration.

YOU NEED THE TECHNIQUE TO 'EMOTIONALLY' PREPARE THE VAGINA

Before the penetration your vagina is in a state of tension and anxiety. You need to use a specific mental-emotional technique to relax it.

YOU NEED SPECIAL PENETRATION TECHNIQUE

Insertion with a soft penis is a very good solution

It is a lot less challenging for the vagina and it makes penetration possible and comfortable even with a contraction.

You gain an erection inside the vagina but it happens more gradually, so there is no shock.

This allows you to have sex despite the contraction and because of this workaround you feel less pressure or anxiety.

You need a technique for relaxing during penetration

Even if contractions happen you can work with them and use a mental technique to relax the vagina. 

You need a better technique for penetration with an erection

Penetration is normally way too aggressive for a condition like vaginismus.

You need to learn a more gradual and comfortable technique, and combine it with a mental technique of relaxing the vagina during the insertion.

YOU NEED BETTER MOVEMENT TECHNIQUE IN THE INTERCOURSE

Right after the penetration you can reduce any discomfort you experienced and relax your vagina more.

This needs a careful build up of movement, plus mental-emotional techniques inside the vagina to continue relaxing it. 

BY USING THESE NEW TECHNIQUES:

YOU MAKE YOURSELF MORE RELAXED BEFORE PENETRATION

YOU CAN DEAL WITH CONTRACTION IF IT HAPPENS

YOU CAN CONTINUE WITH SEX EVEN IF YOU CONTRACT

YOU CAN WORK WITH DISCOMFORT AND CALM IT DOWN

This builds your confidence.

That even if you have these contractions you can work around them and still have sex.

If vaginismus no longer stops you and you keep having positive experiences, this has a calming and healing effect on your pattern.

Eventually the body loses this anxiety.

Vaginismus is an instinctive reaction of the body so it all depends on how ingrained it has become.

If you have it occasionally you might have an immediate relief just applying the techniques.

If it is a severe pattern then it will lose its grip over you gradually – so you will need to patiently recondition your body over a period of time. 

This is the most complete practical guide that gives you real sexual techniques to address vaginismus during sex.