Love in sex is not ‘having sex with someone you love’.
This is the immediate thing people assume - that loving sex is sex when you love somebody and you have sex with them.
That’s just sex with someone you love. It can still be very unloving sex sex. Or the same sex you had with everybody you didn’t ‘love’ - and it often is. For example, many loving couples have sex as the same repetitive and lifeless routine to get to the orgasm.
Sex will be powerfully loving only if you make it feel loving in the moment.
If you create that energy of love that you can feel physically in sex.
If you don’t - sex will feel completely devoid of any love. It may feel like fun, pleasure, work, etc, but it will contain no love.
This is true with everybody, including your long-term partner.
You can love somebody and have sex with them that doesn’t feel loving at all. You can be with someone who you don’t ‘love’ as a committed partner, but have a profoundly loving experience of sex with them.
You don’t need to ‘be in a relationship’ or ‘love’ this person in your life and it fact this will have no bearing at all on how loving sex feels. It’s all about your intention and what you are doing in this moment of sex, how you are doing it and how it feels.
‘Love’ may well be very complicated in a relationship, and it is probably indeed not true that ‘you can love anybody’ if we talk in the context outside of sex. It might be not very easy to navigate the egos, personalities, histories, patterns and life goals together in ‘loving each other’.
But all that intellectual stuff doesn’t matter in sex.
In sex, love is very simple, and it is very easy.
This is why it is available to everybody.
It is physical.
And this is why it is very powerful.
Love in sex is the emotional energy that you put into physical contact.
It is the energy of love that you are sending into your lover’s body right now, in this moment.
It is loving your partner physically, from your body.
It is real, physical, tangible energy.
It is a feeling in sex. Your body feels loved. You feel loved through your body. It is an experience of love through the bodies.
Everything you physically do in sex can be done with love - and in every case this moment will be massively enriched and amplified.
Unfortunately in our culture we have cute little caricatures of loving sex. Like staring intensely into each other’s eyes, brushing fingers lightly on the skin, giving tiny pecks on the stomach and kissing before sex. This is what most people have tried as ‘loving sex’ and they decided that ‘loving sex’ is not for them - it is cringey and boring. It’s true - this cuteness is sexually impotent and it gives no sexual energy at all. We pick up these random caricatures because our culture teaches us nothing about loving sex. That is not what love really is as a sexual energy.
Love in sex is not cute or fluffy and it is not cuddly.
It is not some angelic thing people do when they are too afraid to get sexy.
It is a powerful act of loving your partner’s body, with full sexualness.
There is a mix of different colours and frequencies of physical love in sex. You can love very passionately, erotically, firmly. You can also love in a very enveloping, nurturing and nourishing way. You can love in a selfless and healing way when your partner needs that, or you can love in an intoxicating and desiring way. All of them are powerful.
There are actually many specific techniques on how to bring real physical energy of love into sex. Love is a whole category of sexual technique. These techniques are not physical techniques, but they are still techniques - a form of focus, a feeling you create, a mindset you are in and how this combines with the physical movement.
There are specific techniques for touching the body with love, for loving the clitoris or the vulva, for loving the breasts, the vagina and the penis. Each of these areas have a specific technique on how to touch them sexually but give them love - and this infinitely maximises the sexual energy in that area, and awakens this area in the most powerful way.
There are specific techniques on how to love from your whole body or from your hands, how to love from the penis or from the vagina during the intercourse. These techniques allow you to give more incredible energy to your lover, but that’s not all: they also activate your own sexual energy more.
There are specific techniques for making arousal more loving - and hence faster and more powerful. For making the intercourse deeply loving - and hence infinitely more powerful and orgasmic. For making oral sex far more sexual and rich with the energy of love.
So love in sex is not some abstract thing you have to bring up in your imagination - it is a skill, a practice, a range of techniques, it is something you learn and get better at, and it is something you actively do in sex.